The Iyalode

No, you didn’t!

Well, except she was a bitch when you married her…which we will assume for the purpose of this article, is not the case.

Many men often ask ‘how did she become like this?’

Truth is, it’s either she has always been ‘like that’ (it she truly is a ‘terrible’ person), and you made a choice of lifetime commitment using the wrong parameters…or she is still the kind person you married, who gradually evolved into this person you now do not recognize. Either way, let’s blame it on the boogie (emotions).

First, I have seen many Nigerian men and women choose who to marry, using dumb parsmeters; especially the young and vibrant.

Making the choice of who to marry shouldn’t just be by emotions, but critical analysis. In fact, mathematical! Some relationship decisions need to be taken with as much emotional detachment as one would, a business decision.

I recently interviewed some young men and ladies, what they look out for in choosing their partners. The men were emphatic about beauty. “Ah, aunty, she must be able to turn my brain with her beauty o”. They went ahead to describe hour glass ladies who must dress well and look good at all times. A few men mentioned that she must know how to cook, some of whom overlooked lack of kitchen skills once they ‘found the one’.

All the ladies interviewed described their dream man as one who must be handsome, wide chested, with nice set of teeth, be outgoing, a socialite, and definitely rich 🤑. (Aunty, good luck finding Gaston 🤣).

So, most of the troubled young marriages happen because the foundation is wrong.

But let’s assume your parameters were right and you just ‘woke up one day and found yourself with a terrible woman’.

Let us first establish that life is about action and reactions; cause and effect, checks and balancing.

No one just ‘wakes up and become bad’. You think it happened suddenly because you ignored the sings.

Let’s use Bolanle as a case study, to help men understand a likely scenerio from the woman’s point of view.

Speaking with Bolanle, it’s easy to see that she didn’t choose her man frivolously. Kunle wasn’t even rich when she married him (not to suggest that it is wrong to marry rich men). Kunle had a job that paid below an average lifestyle and in fact, some relatives advised Bolanle not to venture into the marriage for fears that she wouldn’t be well taken care of.

Kunle loves God and wouldn’t joke with serving, he is respectful and listens to elderly ones for guidance. He was also very hard working; as a matter of fact, he financed his own education. Kunle’s dad died when he was around 5 years and his mom is a small scale vegetable farmer, a business which barely put food on the table for the kids.

Bolanle had every reason to believe she was making a right choice, and so did her father who was a civil servant. The wedding was simple and small, neither of them believed in huge spending, to start a life together.

Bolanle of course, had to relocate to Ogun state, where her husband worked and quickly jumped into the role of a model housewife…a subtle training that the society had silently taught all her growing up years.

Bolanle lived everyday, making every attempt to make her husband happy, while her husband worked almost round the clock. He went to work very early and returned very late; there was always a hot meal ready, and a smiling wife to return to.

After just a few weeks, Kunle started to complain about a lot of things. His food wasn’t getting enough meat, Bolanle was always sleepy whenever he got back from work, she needed to start making friends in Abeokuta because he didn’t like the fact that she just stayed home all day. The list was endless.

Kunle started hanging out with friends on Saturdays, and would sleep like a log all through Sunday, after Church. In fact, they started to gradually reduce their frequency of Church attendance.

Neither of them realized a gap was begining to build in this young marriage.

Bolanle started adapting to the new schedule, finding things to take up her time. And in no time, she got engrossed in the activities she threw herself in, such that even when Kunle decided to stay back at home, she was busy doing something else. This gave Kunle one more thing to complain about: she never has his time anymore. And though Kunle promised her while they were dating that he quit drinking, he quickly resumed once he started hanging more often with his friends.

Whenever he had long hours with his friends, there was always something fresh to return home to fight about. He returned home one day to start a case about why she wasn’t pregnant yet (it was just four months into their marriage). He raised a few allegations of why he suspected she wasn’t getting pregnant and this broke her heart because she had been very transparent with him during their dating period.

Bolanle threw herself further into work, learning new skills. A year down the line, they had a set of twins, and Bolanle had opened a nail salon. Raising two kids wasn’t cheap, and though Kunle got a raise at work, it wasn’t enough to raise a family with.

And now, Kunle had fresh items on his complaint list: Bolanle wasn’t looking attractive anymore, she had saggy breasts, she was spending too much time at work, she was giving the kids too much attention, she wasn’t making his favourite meals anymore.

Now, his favourite meals would take up at least two hours of her time, if she was to prepare it the exact way he liked. And he wouldn’t be home to help out with the kids…even when he was home, he would say it’s not in a man’s place to tend kids. It also isn’t manly to do dishes, sweep the floor, help with cleaning, do the laundry or anything else. And Bolanle found a way to cope, since they couldn’t afford to get a house help. And soon enough, sex starvation joined the long list.

Now, Kunle would return home drunk and raise his voice at her, blaming her for his misery. Taught that women should never speak back at their husbands, Bolanle would simply take in all of Kunle’s verbal abuse and hurt in silence. But she knew that her tears might have emotional damage to her children, even though they might not yet understand. Also, she knew she had to brace herself up if she still remained determined to be the best mother to her children.

So, she started to build an emotional wall around her heart. Kunle still returned home to say all sorts but she never allowed it get to her. And even this vexed Kunle some more. Which made Bolanle consider the fact that he enjoyed hurting her emotionally.

Unfortunately, the emotional walls that Bolanle put up, also started to make her love her husband less. So whenever he reached out to have sex with her, she would shove him off. This got him angry, and sometimes emotional enough to cry. Bolanle was confused; her husband was acting like a child, and even though she was raised in a society where is it believed that husbands liked to be treated like children, Bolanle was at a point where she felt choked.

Kunle returned home from one of his outings one night, and refused to take no for an answer. He had sex with her even though she pleaded that she was very tired, and as a matter of fact had no mutual feeling. This happened frequently, and Bolanle found herself gravitating towards a feeling of hate for her husband.

The continued sexual denial however gave Kunle the ‘justification’ to have affairs outside his marriage. And even though Bolanle got to know about some of them, she decided to not meddle; with hopes that it would make him give her some peace of mind.

But no, Kunle would still find a thing to complain about, and this evolved into comparing his wife with his girlfriends or colleagues at work. Bolanle didn’t look sexy anymore, she was now a plus size, she never makes her hair, she hasn’t used makeup in a long time, he likes to see girls in Brazilian weave etc.

Five years into the marriage, Bolanle had a severe case of depression and only got lucky because as daddy’s girl, it was quick for him to identify that something was wrong. Even though it took him years to understand that it was depression. He got his daughter the help he needed, and put all the blame on his son in-law, for making his daughter so miserable.

A couple of months later, Kunle attempted suicide, and that was when it was identified that he was depressed too! And he blamed his wife for his misery.

The story goes on and on, but the point is that everything started from seemingly insignificant things that was left unattended to; until they grew bigger and bigger till it became an elephant in the room.

If asked, the husband would list a series of allegations against the wife, which make him look like the victim. And the same would happen if the wife gets interrogated as well.

Truth is, no one is perfect. And everyone is flawed. If people go into relationships understanding that they are both broken, but have the awareness that they want to spend the rest of their lives working on their flaws so as to prevent the other from being hurt, the world just might be a better place.

With this same understanding, each person would stop concentrating efforts in trying to get the other person to change. Because of course, you are both flawed! Of you try to make her change to suit your taste, you may need to change to suit her taste also. And guess what happens when you both have your ways? You realize of course that this new person still makes you uncomfortable and you find yet again, things that she can change.

So, rather than creating such misery around your lives, why not accept the fact that you are good together because of your differences? Celebrate your flaws and use your energy for better things than hate.

Of course, this article is not exhaustive. Please look out for the next episode 😉