The Iyalode

One of my close friends, Dotun, came over in a frenzy a few weeks back.

His wife was cheating on him, he said.

And I could see the look of devastation in his eyes. Interestingly, this wouldn’t be the first I would hear about this; more from women than men though.

So, there are three possible reasons to why he decided to speak with me :

1. Dotun is very pissed, he wants a separation, and he needs people to validate his decision.

2. Dotun’s ego is bruised and he needs to prove a point.

3. He still wants his wife and is at a confused state.

Well, if it’s 1 or 2, I wouldn’t want to be caught in the middle. But if 3 is the case, and for some reason, the wife does not want to end the marriage, there is always a way.

First is to retrace steps to where things went wrong. How did the relationship begin to get sour in the first instance.

From a woman’s point of view, it’s either she has a problem sticking with one guy or she is a good person who just got pushed to the wall. The latter is usually the case because in an average setting (especially African), the woman is the home maker and as such should not have so much time at her disposal; especially if she also has a job. Also, in Africa, women do not go out much and mostly, night cruise is not acceptable. Further, the African society okays a man having an affair but it’s a taboo for the woman. For instance, if a woman is found to be having an affair with another man, there is an immediate judgement in the hearts of everyone: she is a devilish woman, she is a terrible wife and/ or mother. She should be punished, and definitely she has no right continuing in the marriage. And of course, the man is justified for whatever action he takes against her. It is just the normal instant reaction.

On the other hand however, if a man is exposed in an affair, the story can go in different directions typically but not often does it end in him being embarrassed, especially if the affair does not produce a child. The woman would usually be asked to overlook his ‘mistakes’ and move on for the sake of her children. In some cases, such men are even celebrated for their manhood.

Back to Dotun’s case, and with an assumption that this is a simple scenerio where he wants his wife back and she wants him too; the simple principles of marketing would solve this problem conveniently.

Unconsciously, older African women mastered this technique but unfortunately, the young African women are rather quick to damage things than salvage it. Social media isn’t helping either, because many spouse’s these days even find out about their breakup on social media. Crazy world we live in.

Anyway, using marketing tools, Dotun’s case is a simple one of competition.

Very often in marriage, partners start to drift apart after a couple of months and many of the things that used to attract either fade away or take a new form of dislike. Oftentimes also, frustrations set in when a partner experiences individual struggles and does not know how to manage it without affecting the partner. Outside of marriage, the man for instance would have just returned home to his space, and allow himself cool off before meeting his girl at a later time when he would have just given her an update of what went wrong.

But now, there is no more personal space. Wherever he faces, she is there. She is right there when he wakes up, there when he brushed his teeth, there when he sets out for work, there when he gets back, in his face when he is even trying to use the loo! This scenerio is true for both genders.

Especially for people who highly valued their space before entering into the marriage contract, this becomes a huge concern; and every personal frustration gets transferred.

In essence, little insignificant stressors may have added up into what pushed Dotun’s wife into another relationship. In other words, using marketing terms, Dotun became less attractive for his wife and then she probably met a competitor with better offerings.

I wouldn’t want to delve into the assurance that the competitor only seems attractive at this point because they are not permanently in each other’s spaces yet. It’s the same with every budding relationship; you feel a lot of high and assurance that things can never go wrong. But bubbles burst once a more solid arrangement is made and they get thrown in a similar condition as the first marriage. It is therefore said that for every marriage an individual tries, the game would always be the same except the person in question changes the variables.

So, back to this simple equation, Dotun simply needs to make himself attractive again! He needs to outshine his competition. A customer cannot be forced away from competition, he or she can only be lured back, with better features and product offerings.

What Dotun needs therefore is to find his way back to identifying what attracted his wife to him in the first instance, and if he has derailed from those attractive attributes, he needs to find the super powers back and if possible be better.

Interestingly, his wife may not even be cheating at all, she may just feel detached from him.

But if she starts to see again, what attracts her, Dotun is well on his path to getting his girl back!

I hope you found this interesting/ educative.